v-hold.net http://www.v-hold.net OFFICIAL homepage of comedian Victor Torres Thu, 19 Aug 2010 20:59:41 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 this is it: the v-hold.net website and podcast (with the once in a while video). enjoy! Victor Torres no Victor Torres static@v-hold.net static@v-hold.net (Victor Torres) 2006-2009 OFFICIAL homepage of comedian Victor Torres v-hold.net http://v-hold.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/powerpress/144_avatar.JPG http://www.v-hold.net My set at the Purple Onion http://www.v-hold.net/?p=3623&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=set-purple-onion http://www.v-hold.net/?p=3623#comments Mon, 16 Aug 2010 18:08:48 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=3623 http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=3623 1 one dream made real http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2736&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=dream-realized http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2736#comments Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:29:49 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2736

Last Thursday I got to perform at the historic Purple Onion in San Francisco. This was a big deal to me because even before I started doing stand-up I dreamed of playing the Purple Onion. Does that make sense? What I mean is that I had imagined many times of doing stand-up comedy. In my imagination I saw myself playing a bunch of places and the Purple Onion was one of the biggies in my mind. I also used to imagine myself doing Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” dance to a packed audience at Madison Square Garden but that’s a story for another time.

I don’t know what it is about this club but it has an amazing energy and knowing that comedian greats had been on that same stage got me really giddy with excitement. My spell checker just asked to change “excitement” to “excrement”. Talk about bombing…

Ok, so I got to the club and checked in with the host, Al Gonzales. He corralled all the comedians into the corner that has the huge couch which made me feel like we were on show for the audience which was kind of cool. I had performed with a few of the other comics on the bill so I knew that it was going to be an awesome show because they were really funny people. About six of my friends and family bought tickets and the club filled up pretty quickly.

Al let us know what the order was for the night and I got the spot before Al who was the opener for the headliner, Laurie Kilmartin. As I waited for my turn I kind of went into this place where I go sort of numb and do things that don’t make sense. Like, I will read something on my phone but I am not actually reading it. I look at my notes but just keep looking at the first joke. I drink a beer or two but don’t remember doing it. I may have taken off all of my clothes at one point but I think I may have blacked out that part.

Before I knew it I was called up on stage. Fortunately all the comics before me had great sets so I didn’t have to dig us out of a hole. One thing that I had been practicing at earlier open mics was slowing down and just being  present in the moment. I know that sounds like hippy-dippy shit but previously I had been just rushing through my set hoping not to lose steam or go blank.

I started my set and spoke to everyone like old friends, just telling my stories to them. I took my time, enjoyed the laughs, naturally riffed and made up some tags on the spot. It felt really amazing to be doing well on the stage I has dreamed of performing on. Before I knew it I got my two minute light and went into my last joke. It ended with a huge laugh and then I thanked everyone and got off the stage. I made it through and didn’t bomb! A giant wave of relief went over me and I sat back down and enjoyed the last two comics doing their thing.

After the show I got paid – so I am officially a professional stand-up comic now! I chatted with my friends and then headed back home. I felt high for the next two days from the experience and can’t wait to do it again. But I know from experience my next shows are going to be tough. It always seems that after having a real good show I have a bunch of bombs at the open mics. But who cares about that now? I did what I had dreamed of doing and now I’m ready to move onto the next hurdle.

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]]> http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2736 2 Victor Torres in San Francisco on 07/22/10 http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2730&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=victor-torres-in-san-francisco-on-072210 http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2730#comments Wed, 14 Jul 2010 15:33:01 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2730

Hey everyone! I am going to be playing at the historic Purple Onion on Thursday July 22nd. This is a really exciting show for me because when I first started thinking about doing stand-up comedy, The Purple Onion was the first venue that was on my comedy bucket list. I guess I can die now. Please, not on stage!

I’d really like to get a lot of people there so please click the ticket link and order you seats. Mention that you are coming to see me so the producer knows, too!

Related show

  • Artist: Victor Torres
  • Date: Thursday, July 22nd 2010
  • Time: 8:00pm
  • City: Victor Torres in San Francisco
  • Venue: The Purple Onion
  • Address: 140 Columbus St.
  • Venue phone: (415) 217-8400
  • Country: United States
  • Admission: $10.00
  • Age restrictions: No Minors
  • Notes: Big Al Presents: Live at the Onion is becoming one of the hottest shows in California. This show brings an eclectic mix of the hottest comics in the comedy scene today. Many comics that perform on the show have been seen on Comedy Central, HBO, Showtime, Last Comic Standing and the many late night talk shows.
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]]> http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2730 0 continuing coverage http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2723&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=continuing-coverage http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2723#comments Wed, 07 Jul 2010 21:56:31 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2723

Last night I got on stage again at the Comedy College open mic. I really wanted to go on more last week but having a family makes it so tough – not that I would trade that for anything.  Well, at least that’s what I am saying here because my husband reads this site from time to time.  Hi lover! I think you left the iron on.

I tried a bunch of new material and some stuck and other parts… not so much. I think I had some “you could have heard a pin drop” moments. And no, I wasn’t performing at a deaf-mute club. Besides, growing up with deaf-mute grandparents I know first hand that they actually make quite a racket.

and by the way – you do know who The Creature from the Black Lagoon is, right? No one at the club last night did.

I was in the green room… it’s not actually green and it’s more like a walk-in closet with a curtain door, but you get the idea. Another comic wanted to tell me a story about me. My favorite subject!

He had gone to the Battle of the Bay and saw my act during one of the preliminary rounds and enjoyed it. About a week later he went to a club and he said this guy got on stage and did the SAME EXACT OPENING JOKE I used in the contest. At first he was a little put-off but thought it was just a coincidence. But then the guy starts doing the same Princess Diana joke I do and now he’s livid and telling his friends that this asshole is stealing my material word-for-word .

It wasn’t until the guy got off stage that he realized that the reason why the acts were so similar was because it was ME ON STAGE. I had worn glasses that night and just looked very different.

So, I nearly got my ass kicked for stealing my own material. It’s good know other people are looking out for me.

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]]> http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2723 0 the day i lost $1,000,000.00 http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2715&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=day-lost-100000000 http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2715#comments Mon, 28 Jun 2010 17:58:06 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2715

Last week was a terrible whirlwind of events. I was busy at my 9-to-5 job and had things planned every night. Unfortunately the comedy work had to take a back seat and today I find myself playing catch-up. Must.be.funny.

One big event started out with a couple from our “gay dads dining out” group. Yes, the gays have a group for everything these days. We actually had to take a break from our “gay dads who teach their kids to wipe front to back” because of the fights that broke out with the sister group, “gay dads who teach their kids to wipe back to front”. Those heretics!  But I digress.

Our friends happen to be semi-regular game show contestants. They were on Wheel of Fortune, Scrabble and Millionaire, just to name a few. I guess when you have been on a game show and do well you get thrown into a game show pool and get asked to try out for the new ones coming down the pipe. They got such a call and asked if we’d be interested because this new show needed a gaggle of contestants to make a team.

Free money? Free publicity? My face on TV? Yes, thank you.

We got the details and in record time bought airline tickets and rented a car for our trip to LA. We got the day off from work and a babysitter for Bruno. We were briefed on the type of show it was and started working on puzzles and riddles to be prepared. We did some role-playing and tried to be as fun and energetic as possible. I even wrote my Emmy Award speech on an index card. We were set.

On the day of the audition we get to the airport early. We were doing a day flight as in, fly in, do the audition, then fly home the same day. As we walked into the terminals I noticed there were a LOT of people milling around. Something was up. We ran over to the departures board and ALL THE FLIGHTS WERE DELAYED BY 4 HOURS. Fog has caused all the flights to be grounded. They really should have just made the monitors blink “You’re Screwed” in six foot red font.

Phone calls were made. Feet were stomped. Obscenities were screamed. But all of that still wouldn’t get us to the audition on time. Tony and I trudged slowly back to our car. As we drove away from the airport I saw a single airplane speed away, with it our chances to be millionaires. Shit.

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]]> http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2715 4 ten year anniversary http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2702&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=ten-year-anniversary http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2702#comments Mon, 14 Jun 2010 17:13:25 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2702

Holy shit, I never thought that I would actually be celebrating a ten year anniversary for this website!  I mean, there are at least three times when I announced I was closing the site. Admittedly, the first time may have been that I wanted people to beg me not to leave.  Who said bloggers aren’t vain? Really, who said it? Anyone?

So, on this momentous occasion I would first like to thank all of my long time readers. Guys (and gals), I am really happy that so many of you held on and followed me through all of my life’s ups and downs. Next, I want to thank all of you other long-time bloggers who kept your own sites running for my enjoyment. Finally, I want to thank all of my new readers who learned about [v-hold.net] recently through my calculated PR campaign (Codename: LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT).  Again, thanks to all of you for sticking around because you are really going to love this next part.

I need money.

I need each of you to pledge at least $250 a month for the next ten years to help me pay for something. Just a little trinket as a reward for me blogging for so long.

OK, not really – but jeez. Do you remember those days ten years ago when bloggers had the gall to ask for such things? I need a new computer. I need money to keep the site running. I need a new liver. Cry me a river, Justin Timberlake.

I was looking through the old posts and it’s also pretty funny that I used to treat this site like Twitter way before Twitter was even a Twit in its mama’s Tw… never mind. I wrote some pretty silly one line posts – now with broken links going nowhere! Why did I love Sharon Stone so much? Why did I want this problem? Here’s another kicker – a one word post – “Ouch“.

Ten years have come and gone online and what do I have to show for it? For starters, I’ve met some really nice people, some of whom I still talk to. Next, I’ve learned some valuable skills in web design, programming and site automation. Finally, I’ve realized that most people will read anything when they are bored at work and should be doing WHAT THEY GET PAID FOR.

So, thanks for the past ten years and here’s to ten more!

<<INSERT BLINKING COCKTAIL GLASS AND ANNOYING MUSIC>>

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]]> http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2702 1 Five Gayest Video Games On the Wii http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2666&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=gayest-video-games-wii http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2666#comments Mon, 07 Jun 2010 17:11:28 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2666

I have been an avid video gamer since Pong was released. Seriously – I was around when Pong came out at our local Sears. I went through my younger years playing the Atari. Then along came Nintendo. The years of blowing cartidges (hmmm. forshadowing?) and calloused thumbs (even more?) had me hooked.

Nintendo has always had a special place in my heart so when the Wii was released it was an important moment. I mean the whole motion control thing was a pretty big deal and they made it work flawlessly. I was able to get the system the first week it was out through complete dumb luck. Being a geek, I rooted the system and now have all my games on a big hard drive connected to the system. Us gays love our accessories!

I think the Wii is a gay video game system. Just like how Apple is a gay computer company, Nintendo followed the same design with the Wii – white, sleek and elitist. And look at the controller. Hello?

Being a gay man I feel I can tell you with some authority what are the gayest games for the Wii system. So let’s get started:

Just Dance

Just Dance is a game in which you follow along with a professional choreographer doing full dance routines to songs from the 70′s (Le Chic’s “Freak Out”) to today (Britney Spears “Womanizer”). It’s also a great workout. Just think how fabulous you’ll be at the next party when you start serving it up with dance moves to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”! I think if enough gay people buy this we can all start breaking out in flash dance mobs around the city. Who’s with me?

Wii Cheer

Have you ever wanted to be a cheerleader? Oh come on girl, you know you have! Fortunately for you, Wii Cheer is a cheer leading simulator. Like Let’s Dance, you follow along with a character on the screen and try to mimic the moves. Plus the character design is done with those cute Japanese big-eyed bobble heads. Hollaback Girl, fo reals!

Dance on Broadway

For the show queens! Now you can finally learn the routines from all your favorite Broadway shows. Get your two best girlfriends and become “Dreamgirls”. You can live your fantasy of being Bebe Neuwirth (or Catherine Zeta-Jones) doing “All That Jazz”. Even you emo theater gays can get in on the action, letting out your inner Riff Raff  (oh c’mon you know you’re a flawless Magenta) doing the “Time Warp”.

Muscle March

Now we’re moving into the muscle bear territory. Hold on to your honey! Muscle March is a hilarious game where you get to hold both the controller and the nunchuck and flex your muscles in time with the guy on-screen. You are chasing after a bugler (no comment) in a line with other guys, breaking through walls. You have to have your arms in the same position to fit through the wall. This one is pretty gay because of all the exposed skin. Oy, the amount of jerk-off material I would have had if this came out when I was a kid.

Ai Cho Aniki (Super Big Brothers)

OK. This game is old but it has been re-released on the Virtual Console section of the Wii. This game is actually more on the trippy side of gay, too. You play this bald muscle man, shooting “protien” out of the hole in your head. Yeah, I know. WTF? It’s a side scrolling shooter (tee-hee) and there are lots of naked muscle men floating about.

So what do you think? These games are pretty gay, huh? Let me know in the comments about other games you think are TOTALLY GAY.

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]]> http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2666 1 Bad Influence http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2644&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=bad-influence http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2644#comments Thu, 03 Jun 2010 21:52:31 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2644 http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2644 0 Where did the baby come from? http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2642&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=baby http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2642#comments Thu, 03 Jun 2010 21:50:34 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2642 http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2642 1 Princess Diana dress http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2641&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=princess-diana-dress http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2641#comments Thu, 03 Jun 2010 21:49:07 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2641 http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2641 0 Over planning http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2639&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=planning http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2639#comments Thu, 03 Jun 2010 21:48:04 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2639 http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2639 0 Re-birthing http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2637&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=rebirthing http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2637#comments Thu, 03 Jun 2010 21:46:59 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2637 http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2637 0 new direction http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2601&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=new-direction-2 http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2601#comments Mon, 31 May 2010 22:48:31 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2601

I know. What the fuck? Where in the world has Victor Torres been? Well folks, it’s been a pretty fantastic five months. After my birthday I decided to take up a new path in life. Actually, everything in life stayed pretty much the same except I decided to become a STAND-UP COMIC.

Crazy and ballsy, I know. But honestly it was something that I had always wanted to do and god knows I have the material. The life experiences I wrote about on this blog were just a small taste of all the shit I’ve seen or been through. And even though the postings of late have been of the lamer variety, I think that’s all about to change. I was really wrapped up and worried about what people thought and what could be used against me. Now, with the power of the First Amendment – I DON’T CARE! It’s comedy. You don’t like, then don’t let the HTML hit you on the ass on the way out.

So the story is that I went to the San Fransisco Comedy College and took the beginner class. Did pretty well and moved on to the advanced class. Then I busted my hump and tried to do about 3 shows a week at local open mics. People like me. They think I have good material and am funny. So I signed up for a comedy contest called The Battle of the Bay. It started out with 80 comedians and I made my way up to the semi-finals. Well, I didn’t win, but still – I MADE IT TO THE FUCKING TOP 20!

Then more jobs started rolling in. Next thing I know I am doing showcases and emcee-ing other comedy shows. I know! This is amazing!

So it looks like v-hold.net may be getting a second (third… tenth…?) lease on life. I am going to be working on making this the site where you hear about EVERYTHING I am doing in comedy. Show dates, sketches, videos and the RETURN OF THE V-HOLD PODCAST! Can you stand it? I know I can’t.

I’m going to try to add something new to the site each time I post. So here’s your first surprise – my site is now iPhone and Android friendly. Try looking at v-hold on your phone! Neat-o.

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]]> http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2601 2 v-hold, why won’t you die? http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2585&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=v-hold-why-wont-you-die http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2585#comments Tue, 12 Jan 2010 22:14:58 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2585

yes. another post. well, I am turning 40 on January 18th and figured I needed to say something.

1. I am not afraid of turning 40
2. I am not really excited about it, either.

I’m dismayed that it’s just going to come and go like 26 to 30 then 31 through 39. It’s just another year. But everyone seems to make such a big deal about turning  40 now. Like I have to do something or go somewhere that is big and over-the-top. Have a mid-life crisis or start over in my life.

The main reason I am not feeling it is because coming off of Christmas this year I feel really burnt. This year we had the biggest and best decorated house in all the years that we have been decorating. But just like those tired Christmas specials spout off about, we were so busy doing Christmas that we forgot to enjoy the season.

Now my 40th is coming at me at 100 miles an hour and I am out of money and out of steam. Not sure what to do with myself.  Ugh.

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]]> http://www.v-hold.net/?feed=rss2&p=2585 3 the beginning of the end? http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2581&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-beginning-of-the-end http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2581#comments Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:08:33 +0000 Victor http://www.v-hold.net/?p=2581

Folks, I’m sorry. I just don’t know if I can write for this blog anymore. It seems like Facebook has become more of the place where I post the interesting stuff I find on the internet. My life revolves around my kid and there is so much happening that I can never make time to actually write about all the wonderful things happening at this machine gun pace. For instance, recently I actually shot a story to my friend Joe instead of posting it myself. Maybe my writing and meme treasure finding job is meant to be a supporting role to others who actually have successful blogs and the authors who actually have time and energy to post.

So, this may be the last post for a very long time. It’s been great and you can always catch up with me on Facebook

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